maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
