Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize