My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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