So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
