In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
