I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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