Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
