More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
