its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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