Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
