The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
