Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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