dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
