ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
