I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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