My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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