I just cut my nipple shaving
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The police scanner is talking about you again....
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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