Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
