I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
