I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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