Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
