The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
