how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
