I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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