got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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