i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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