just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
