The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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