I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
