His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
