I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
