I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
