Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
