Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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