I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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