I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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