When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
