Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
