Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
