A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
