Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
