I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
