I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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