before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
