i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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