if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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