what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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