I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize