bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
