I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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