My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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