Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
