I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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