Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
