Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I skipped work to stalk him.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
