I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
