I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
