To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I would ride that face into the sunset
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
