Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
