Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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