Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You dont lie about slip and slides
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
