I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
